


Paint it black

by summerinjun



Category: K-pop, NCT (Band)
Genre: 127 members only, Angst, Dark, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, but also colorful maybe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-05
Updated: 2018-07-05
Packaged: 2019-06-05 17:58:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15176222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/summerinjun/pseuds/summerinjun
Summary: And as he heard the shocked sobs of his members, Yuta could only wish for it all to be black.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I got inspired by an awesome cover by Ciara called Paint it Black and I totally encourage you to listen to that song because it’ll totally set you in the mood and it’s just fricking amazing and gave me chills! Also please note there are mentions of suicide in a sort of way, so do not read if you think that might upset you!♡

Yuta watched as the boy he loved fell off the edge of the roof, hands grasping for empty air. Winwin’s eyes shone with tears, his face glowing in the moonlight. Yuta could practically feel the soft strands of his light hair brushing against his fingers. Winwin’s eyes were wide, mouth open in a silent scream, and then he was gone.

 

Yuta heard screaming as he bent over the edge, looking down at the imprint in the snow where Winwin’s body had landed. He felt Taeyong’s strong hands pull him from the side, falling back onto the hard cement on the top of the SM building. 

 

Taeil rushed to look while Taeyong whispered soothing words into Yuta’s ears, and he now realized that  _ he _ was the one screaming. 

 

“No, no, no.” Yuta begged over and over, trying to make himself wake up. But as he collapsed in the leader’s arms he realized this was a nightmare that he could not leave.

 

Yuta allowed himself to be led back down into the building, but he forced his legs to continue outside into the cold, bitter night. Ignoring Taeyong’s protests, he kneeled down in the snow beside Winwin’s still body.

 

The younger still wore his concert clothes, a soft pink and clean white to match his sweet personality. He still wore makeup, eyelids lightly dusted, lips a light pink.

 

On his head he wore the flower crown, given to him by a fan. Winwin had been so excited, showing it to his members as he put on the light purple and blue colored crown, decorated with perfect, green leaves.

 

Now, however, his face was pale, his warm hands gone cold, and a bright red bled onto the flowers and into the snow, staining it a vibrant crimson color. It was too bright red. Too colorful amongst a pure white color, and it made Yuta feel disgusted.

 

And as he heard the shocked sobs of his members, he could only wish for it all to be black.

  
  
  
  
  
  


“Another suicide.” Fans were crying and screaming on social media. 

 

“How could he have done that?” SM questioned.

 

“I thought he was  _ happy _ ,” the members choked out.

 

Everyone was in shock, but Yuta was clearly distant from everything now happening. 

 

“What happened?” Everyone had asked him, and Yuta always replied with a blank look, “He asked for it. He  _ wanted _ it. I couldn’t stop him from jumping.”

 

Even after the private funeral, as all of the 127 members piled in a large van, finally breaking down, Yuta remained silent. He watched as a line of cars followed the longest one, flowers still decorating it, a picture of Winwin hiding behind the black, tinted windows.

 

As weeks went by, he only spiraled down further. 

 

“Yuta. I know you’re grief stricken- we all are. But I think you need help.” Johnny came up to him one morning, eyes swollen and sad.

 

“I don’t need anything- except maybe some quiet.” Yuta growled, turning his head.

 

“Yuta, we’ve given you time alone for a long time. And it hurts a lot to lose him, but it hurts to see you like this too.” Johnny’s voice was just too damn sympathetic. “I’m going to talk to Taeyong or the manager, and we can find you help.”

 

“I don’t need help!” Yuta felt a bitter taste in his mouth as he said this. Johnny gave him a sad look before turning away.

“I just want to see you...like  _ you _ , Yuta.”

 

Yuta continued that day, walking around like a zombie in his dark room, refusing to open curtains or even wear anything of color. Before going to bed, he took his daily pills and slipped into the bed, falling into a hazy dream.

 

He woke up to screaming, suddenly remembering that bitter night. Only this time it wasn’t his screaming. He wasn’t the one to cry and sob over a dead body, life fleeting and heart breaking.

 

When he looked outside of his bedroom, he saw Jaehyun and Doyoung sobbing over someone’s limp and bloody body. Dazed, Yuta stumbled over to them. Jaehyun looked up with tear filled eyes, and Yuta got a clear view of Johnny’s cold, pale face. Just like Winwin. He couldn’t do anything.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I see the line of cars and they're all painted black  
> With flowers and my love, both never to come back  
> I see people turn their heads and quickly looked away  
> Like a newborn baby it just happens everyday

Another long line of cars, clean and black as rain patterned against the paint.

 

“How?  _ How _ could he have done that? Right after Winwin?” Mark cried.

 

Taeil reached out, a large bouquet of roses in his hands to lay on the grave.

 

Yuta’s expression hardened, and his hand shot out to stop Taeil. “Yuta, what are you doing?” Taeil’s eyes were broken and teary.

 

Before he even knew what happened, his hands held the roses in a tight grip. “Yuta, those are for  _ him _ !” Haechan said, begging more than protesting. But his legs found the power to walk away. 

 

The light rain dampened his hair, water running down his forehead, down his arms. Yuta passed some people, who stared at him momentarily before looking away. His hands clenched the roses tighter, and before he knew it, he was crushing the petals until they mixed with the rain, bleeding dye onto his hands. 

 

With disgust, he dropped the flowers in a muddy puddle, hands shaking as he looked down at the red splattered on his body. How desperately he wished that everything could just be  _ black _ .

 

Endless nights of taking his pills and drowning in sorrows and alcohol. Endless nights of reliving that nightmare every time he fell asleep.

 

And it happened again.

 

The next time was in the middle of the night. All the members were alerted to a shrill scream, and got out of bed, panicking.

 

It was too late, as Haechan collapsed into Mark’s arms, bleeding from a wound on his side. “He stabbed me..” Haechan whispered, eyes fluttering. “Who?” Mark cried, “ _ who _ ?”

 

Haechan took his last breath, unable to continue, and he lay cold in Mark’s arms.

 

The next time, Taeil was found in the morning. He lay outside, gagged and tied up against a pole. His lips were cold and blue, his body frozen. No amount of warmth could ever wake him up again.

  
  


“Someone is killing us.” Taeyong concluded, shaken up. “Someone murdered Haechan and did that to Taeil.”

 

“Johnny?” Yuta managed, eyes never leaving the wall, his blank expression never faltering.

 

“ I don’t know.” 

 

“Winwin then.. what if someone actually-?” Jaehyun didn’t finish, cautiously looking at Yuta to not set off any alarms.

 

“He did that himself. I saw.” Yuta shook, “he asked me for it..” He couldn’t continue, looking intensely at the wall again.

 

“Lock the doors at night, and we’ll get some security.” Taeyong told them, looking at them warily. “We can’t risk anymore.”

 

Yuta went to bed again, heart empty. He wished none of this had ever happened. But it had, and there was no way to stop it. Still, he refused to cry as he took his pills and slipped under the covers.

 

The night took Jaehyun. They woke up to find a broken window, and Jaehyun’s body lay by it with broken shards stuck cleanly in his body. Taeyong broke down while everyone else fearfully hid. Hiding from what, they didn’t know. But they couldn’t continue this any longer.

 

“We’ll leave this dorm. It’s not safe here.” Taeyong said, eyes teary.

 

“We can’t leave.” Yuta spoke quietly, “this is our home.”

 

“Yuta, I know it hurts, but we need to think about the others safety! Can’t you notice, we’re getting killed off one by one! And we don’t know who’s next.” Taeyong tried to hug him, but he stepped back, flinching.

 

“Yuta. Look at us. Doyoung. Mark. Me, and you. That’s all who’s left! We  _ will _ heal, I promise. But we can’t stay here.”

 

Yuta’s expression remained hard, and he turned away.

  
  


That night, Taeyong awoke, unable to sleep comfortably. He missed the gentle touch of Jaehyun, the warmth that he provided, and his members’ laughter in the dorm. It was too quiet now.

 

He got up to get a drink of water, stepping quietly over creaky floorboards. As he was returning, he almost dropped his glass of water. Doyoung, Mark, and Yuta’s doors were wide open, with the inhabitants missing. 

 

“No. It didn’t happen- I can’t be too late!” Taeyong rushed to check the entire dorm, then outside, still clutching the glass of water. Outside, it was cold and quiet. The streets were empty, the only thing filling it up was snow.

 

“Please-  _ please _ don’t!” 

 

Taeyong heard a voice from above, and his heart raced as he sprinted back into the building and up the stairs leading to the roof.

 

He broke the door down, stopping straight in his tracks as he processed the situation. Doyoung and Mark sat against the edge, eyes fearful as they stared up. 

 

Into the eyes of Yuta. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I look inside myself and see my heart is black  
> I see my red door, I must have it painted black  
> Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts  
> It's not easy facing up when your whole world is black

His hand clutched two large bricks. They were dirty, clouded in black, and Taeyong had no idea where those had come from. But he watched as Yuta advanced towards the two.

 

“Don’t! Yuta,  _ don’t _ !” Taeyong screamed, unable to make his legs move fast enough. He watched as the slabs of cement connected with the two’s heads. He couldn’t look away.

 

There was a loud smashing sound before something that Taeyong didn’t even want to think about cracked. Yuta dropped the bricks carelessly, and kicked snow over the two bleeding messes of a head.

 

“Yuta,  _ what have you done _ ?” Taeyong could barely whisper it, eyes fixated on the growing red stain in the snow.

 

“It had to happen.” Yuta turned around to face him, and Taeyong looked at him, shocked to see black eyes, dark and crazed.

 

“Yuta…what did you do? Are you drunk?”

 

“I feel fine.” Yuta took out a small bottle and shook it, a small smile on his face.

 

“Yuta, what is that? What have you been taking??” Taeyong’s voice rose.

 

“It helps the pain go away. It just.. fades away,” Yuta smiled. 

 

“Yuta, no! It’s making you act like this! You shouldn’t..you shouldn’t..”

 

“What shouldn’t I do, Taeyong?” Yuta snapped, stepping closer. “What are you going to tell me? Another way for me to live my life? I am  _ tired _ of all of this. I’m  _ tired _ of seeing you all try to continue to live your life as if nothing happened!”

 

“It’s hard.. it’s hard but we have to learn to heal and lean on each other.” Taeyong felt tears rising as he backed up.

 

“How?  _ How _ are we healing?” Yuta was almost begging. “How would it get any better? It couldn’t!”

 

“It could if we tried! It could if we just _stuck_ _together_!”

 

“You don’t understand. No one ever does,” Yuta let out a small laugh. “No one ever  _ understands _ . Even those who are close to you, they just don’t  _ understand _ . I don’t want to heal! I want to deal with it  _ my _ way, even if it’s like this.”

 

“Not at the expense of others.” Taeyong shook his head, taking another step back as Yuta came closer.

 

“Everyday I wake up, I relive the pain again and again. Everyday I see all those colors, and I picture him. I picture happiness and a calm.”

 

“What is wrong with that?” Taeyong pleaded.

 

“Because I don’t get that! Everyday I see someone happy and smiling while I’ve been drowning this entire time. It hurts more to see all of the color and perfection. They don’t deserve to have that.”

 

“They do! They do and so do you. You  _ all _ deserve happiness.” Taeyong knew he was being backed against the edge of the roof, but he didn’t try to run. “Please, Yuta, we could get past this!”

 

“It’s too late.” Yuta looked almost sad, “I don’t want color any more. Every time I see color, any time I see red.. I just want it all to turn black. Dark, deep black until there is  _ nothing _ left in it. Because that’s exactly what it’s like inside me right now.”

 

Taeyong was crying now, not for himself but for his fallen members. For how broken Yuta was now. For not noticing until it was too late.

 

“And it’s the best thing I’ve felt in a while. I loved Winwin but he’s gone now. You should know loss- you’ve lost Jaehyun. Why suffer in a painful passion of lost love when it could all be over? You feel numb- no, you don’t feel  _ anything _ .” Yuta looked dreamy as he talked. “It’s bliss, Taeyong. You could have it too. There’s more pills.”

 

“No..no. I can’t. Yuta, I think maybe  _ you _ don’t understand! To get rid of all of that may seem better now. But you can’t stay like a zombie and go through life like this!” Small drops of snow touched his forehead, the sky sparkling as it fell.

 

“I would rather feel everything. The pain hurts- it hurts so damn much.” Taeyong cried, “but you can’t truly live if you don’t feel. Pain makes the good feel so much more special. Empathy, friendship, love! How could you imagine living without that?”

 

“There’s always people that will look at the world differently. And I’m just not strong enough to feel that much.  _ I don’t want to. _ But I gave everyone else that bliss. They’re not in pain anymore!”

 

“Yuta, they’re  _ dead _ ! How is that better?”

 

“You’ll see once you go.” Yuta told him, standing only a few feet apart.

 

“Yuta..” Taeyong whispered, “Yuta,did you kill  _ all _ of them?”

 

“I never lied to you. I never said I  _ didn’t _ kill them, and I never said that I  _ did _ . But I never once lied to you about it.”

 

“But you said Winwin-“

 

“I never lied.” Yuta told him, eyes steely.

 

“Yuta, what happened?” Taeyong murmured, “ _ what happened to us _ ?”

 

Yuta only shrugged, eyes turning darker and murderous. “My heart is as black as coal now. I’ve turned this way, and nothing can be done.”

 

“I know you loved us. Because I still love you- the  _ real you _ .” Taeyong felt Yuta’s cold hands against his chest, ready to push. He raised his own hands until they were grasping Yuta’s. 

 

“It might be black for you right now, Yuta. But I’m willing to give you a taste of color one more time- even if it does nothing but let you feel for  _ just a moment _ .” Taeyong pushed Yuta’s hands away until the younger boy had stumbled back. And Taeyong smiled. Then he fell backwards.

 

Yuta felt himself screaming, running to the edge to see Taeyong land in the snow, red spreading in the pure white again.

  
  
  
  


_ “Yuta?” Winwin’s soft voice whispered, coming to stand behind the boy. “It’s cold up here. Don’t you want to come back inside?” _

 

_ “No.” Yuta felt the wind blow against his air, and Winwin touched his arm gently. “Please, Yuta.” _

 

_ “I said I didn’t want to.” Yuta’s voice was harsh, and Winwin stepped back, alarmed. “Yuta?” _

 

_ He turned around to face Winwin, his expression hard, his eyes black. _

 

_ “Yuta..you took more of those pills, didn’t you? You told me that you would stop!” Winwin cried, coming closer. _

 

_ “I didn’t want to stop anymore.” Yuta said dully. “Winwin, we can still love. Together. We could go together.” _

 

_ “I want to go with Yuta.” Winwin shook his head, “I can’t go with  _ you _.” _

 

_ “Winwin..” _

 

_ “A part of you still truly loves and feels, I know you do. And I will always wait for you to come back to me. But I  _ can’t _ join you on this. You know I can’t.” _

 

_ “Are you leaving me?” Despite his darkness, Yuta knew Winwin was right when he said he still felt. Because there was a twinge of pain now. _

 

_ “I wouldn’t leave you if I had the choice.” Winwin touched his cheek, gazing into his eyes, “ and it seems like you’re the one who’s left me.” _

 

_ “I don’t think I can change, Winwin.” _

 

_ “I’d never want you to, Yuta. So I promise I’ll stay here and wait for you to come back to me.” Winwin looked so understanding that it hurt. _

 

_ Something suddenly flashed inside of Yuta, and his hard expression returned. “You don’t have to wait because I won’t change. I like how this is now. But you don’t?” _

 

_ “No. I don’t.” Winwin answered truthfully, and Yuta’s eyes flashed. He grabbed Winwin’s pink sleeve madly, twisting it until Winwin was dragged closer to him.  _

 

_ “Yuta, what are you doing?” Winwin cried as Yuta numbly walked over to the edge. _

 

_ “I can’t ever change, I told you! And you can’t appreciate that.” _

 

_ “You’re right. I can’t. I can’t stand by watching you fall deeper. I know that this isn’t you, and this isn’t what you want.” _

 

_ “I do. I won’t stop.” Yuta’s hands shook as he held Winwin, the boy’s legs almost dangling off the side.  _

 

_ “You won’t..but you could.” Winwin’s eyes were incredibly sad, but Yuta didn’t feel. He didn’t feel  _ anything _. His eyes were determined, his hands steadying as they prepared to let go of Winwin. _

 

_ “This has to be done in order for us both to achieve true peace.” Yuta told him, but Winwin shook his head, tears in his eyes as he smiled. _

 

_ “It doesn’t. It  _ really _ doesn’t. I had already found peace with you. Now it’s your turn to find it. I won’t let you do this and have it weigh on your conscience, because you are the best you could be. And you deserve to feel the most out of life. So I want you to know that I wanted this. Ok? It’s not your fault.” _

 

_ Yuta felt his grasp loosen, shaking his head as he did so. _

 

_ “I told you, I’ll be waiting for you to be yourself and come back to me. I’ll always be waiting until the day I see your smiling face again.” Winwin’s face was wet and sad but understanding as he reached to slowly take Yuta’s fingers off of him. _

 

_ Yuta trembled, feeling nothing but a small sliver of fear as his hands were moved, and Winwin let go. _

 

_ Everything broke down as he watched him fall. He wanted this. He had meant for this to happen. But not like this. _

 

_ “NOO!” Yuta let out a heart wrenching scream, grasping for Winwin’s fingers. He missed, watching as Winwin fell, his heart breaking. _

  
  
  


Yuta felt. Just like he finally had with Winwin, Yuta felt again. It was exactly what he was trying to avoid- sharp, killing pain. Aching and burning of his heart. Tears rolling down his cheeks as he clenched at his heart. Pain, sadness, and guilt for everything that had happened.

 

Taeyong bled a bright red color, just like everyone else had. And Yuta felt himself long for them again. He was filled with horrible remorse and sadness.

 

But under that, he felt a touch of something warm. It was buried under all of his tears and guilt and pain. But it was there. It was soft and sweet, growing larger until it screamed against the black inside him.

 

In that moment, he saw every color for what it was worth. He realized he’d felt it softly before, even each time he’d killed them.

 

Love. Sacrifice. Understanding.

 

No one had put up a fight. They were fearful, but because they loved him too much, they were unwilling to hurt him before themselves.

 

It ached but it also gave him a sweet sense of comfort. Colors flashed across briefly as he remembered just  _ feeling _ with them. Laughing and having fun. Crying and working hard. Fighting and then making up.

 

He looked down at the snow. It sparkled bright. It was tainted with horrible memories and horrible colors, but it was still beautiful.

 

Tears continued to flow as he lifted his shining eyes up to the moonlight.

“I’m sorry.” He breathed. The snow landed on his cheeks, burning them with its cool touch.

 

“You won’t have to wait anymore, Winwin.” He felt himself fall down, down hundreds of feet. So many colors, but he let them overtake him. There was little pain, and he realized he finally had found the right colors for his happiness.

 

He landed in the soft snow, colors still swirling.

 

And then his vision was painted black.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue  
> I could not foresee this thing happening to you  
> If I look hard enough into the setting sun  
> My love will laugh with me before the morning comes”
> 
> Thank you for reading this short and shitty fic lol♡♡


End file.
